Have you ever felt like your entire sense of self revolved around taking care of others? Join me as I unravel my personal journey through the labyrinth of codependency, starting with my hopes that attending Al-Anon meetings would heal my ex-husband's alcoholism. In this episode, we dissect the core characteristics of codependency, such as excessive caretaking, low self-esteem, and control issues, revealing how these traits often emerge from an upbringing in abusive or addictive environments. I'll share my own struggles with maintaining an organized space, exposing how this need for control and safety is deeply rooted in my chaotic past, and underscore the importance of addressing these ingrained patterns for genuine personal healing.
About Tabitha Tabitha MacDonald is an intuitive transformation coach dedicated to helping people overcome their pain as fast as possible so that they can have the love, freedom and purpose they truly desire.
Have you ever felt like your entire sense of self revolved around taking care of others? Join me as I unravel my personal journey through the labyrinth of codependency, starting with my hopes that attending Al-Anon meetings would heal my ex-husband's alcoholism. In this episode, we dissect the core characteristics of codependency, such as excessive caretaking, low self-esteem, and control issues, revealing how these traits often emerge from an upbringing in abusive or addictive environments. I'll share my own struggles with maintaining an organized space, exposing how this need for control and safety is deeply rooted in my chaotic past, and underscore the importance of addressing these ingrained patterns for genuine personal healing.
About Tabitha Tabitha MacDonald is an intuitive transformation coach dedicated to helping people overcome their pain as fast as possible so that they can have the love, freedom and purpose they truly desire.
Hello everyone and welcome. My name is Tabitha. I am an intuitive coach and a healer and today we want to talk about codependency and the dysfunctional behaviors associated with codependency. I remember when I first started on this journey and on this path going to Al-Anon, I think, was really the first step on my journey of looking at myself in relationship to the dysfunctional relationships in my life, and Al-Anon was a great starting point. I remember the first meeting I went to I was I just had my daughter and my ex was in the full throes of drinking and I thought like I looked at her, this perfect little, precious being, and I just decided I didn't ever want her to have the same experience of love and relationships that I did. And so I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting and it was mostly old ladies and they were so cute and they handed me free books because we were poor Back then. We were poor and they handed me all of these free books and it just made me feel welcome, supported and loved.
Speaker 1:
And that's really when I started the journey of understanding what my role in the addicted family unit was, and at that time I had this hope that if I went, my ex-husband would be better, which really is like the classic codependent motivator. And it's funny now, looking back, because I can see that every time it didn't work and he didn't get better, I stopped going to Al-Anon and then I never followed through with any of the codependency treatments and I didn't heal my codependency because I didn't understand it. I really only went because I wanted him to be better and that was it. So it's funny saying that looking back, because I'm so not in the framework or mindset of someone who has codependency issues at that level anymore that it's even hard to remember almost being that way because it was so real at the time, almost being that way because it was so real at the time. So I'll give you a little idea of what codependency is, because if you do have any codependency tendencies, it's just going to feel real, like it's not going to feel. It's just going to feel like how the world is, like it's actually an identity level system at play that's usually created through growing up in a home with abuse or addiction, and so the actual definition is a dysfunctional relationship pattern where one person prioritizes the needs of others over their own. So think about people pleasing or caretaking or, you know, throwing yourself under the bus I see this so much in the profession of healers is that they are trying to resolve the codependency. So then they become codependent on the results that their clients get or with the people that work with them, and they don't even know it's happening because it's just the way it is. And it's kind of like telling somebody that the color blue is really orange, like if that doesn't fit into their framework of reality, they are going to just argue with you because there is no contrast, it's just, it just is.
Speaker 1:
I love the new Inside Out movie. I don't know if you've seen it, but it really describes identity level beliefs and how they're created and stormed in long-term memory. If you haven't seen it, go see it. It is the best visual representation of identity and I I loved it so much. I was like, oh, I want to be able to make films like this. This is so cool and so powerful to help you understand how your personality and your perception of the world is created.
Speaker 1:
So some of the characteristics of codependency include excessive caretaking, low self-esteem and control issues. And the control issues one is the one that got me and I was on a call with my coach today and we were talking about cleaning my bedroom. I know that sounds like a ridiculous thing to get coaching on, but it's an issue for me and I am not great with spatial organization, like taking my space and organizing it and keeping it that way, and I can hire somebody to come in and do it and I'll mess it up, and that's because I created a safety system of control. Where I was actually, where I was actually messiness in my room was something I could control and so to me, that made me feel safe. So it's a pattern. So even if I paid someone to come in and do it, I would recreate the old pattern because it was anchored in safety for me.
Speaker 1:
And I will explain that more in another episode, because I know a lot of trauma survivors who have a difficult time cleaning and completing tasks and it can go to as excessive as hoarding and people will be like it's so easy. Why aren't you just keeping things clean, everything and I don't mean clean, I mean organized because everything works better in a controlled environment. Organized because everything works better in a controlled environment. And that is true unless you coded up that the mess is more safe. And I have a whole bunch of reasons why I did that and I understood it. I just couldn't flip it.
Speaker 1:
And then today, finally, something flicked and I also realized that it was control. I wanted to control my environment and it meant that I was creating an environment I felt safe in which is strange, but it is what it is and that I could control. I could control where things were at, because my mind remembers where things are in strange places. So like if my I can tell you exactly right now where my can opener is. It's in like the second drawer, down next to the sink, and it's probably in the no, it's right in the back of the drawer, you know, tucked behind the whisk. Nobody else would be able to find it because it makes no logical sense where it is. But my brain created a system of creating structure in chaos.
Speaker 1:
So when things aren't chaotic, I don't feel safe, because safety, creating this interesting pattern of safety amidst chaos was how I handled growing up with an alcoholic in the home and that is the birth of codependency. I mean, I remember sitting by the heater and it was this wall heater and I was little, and I remember listening to the wind blow through the heater and seeing the flicker of light from the gas and I would just feel very present and like almost safe, listening to the wind and watching the flame of the heater. And then I would just feel very present and like almost safe, listening to the wind and watching the flame of the heater, and then I would hear, like my stepdad's truck roll in and there was this sense of excitement. And now I know it wasn't excitement, it was anxiety, because I never knew what we were going to get. Was he going to be nice? Was he going to be nice? Was he going to be cruel? Was it going to be fun? But then you know, whoops, you might have said the wrong thing and now it's going to turn into utter chaos. You just never knew.
Speaker 1:
So codependent people find ways to control their environment that makes sense to them, and it's not necessarily going to be predictable or you know, or in alignment with what other people would do, and it's because they had to create this system when they were little and it was a way to keep themselves safe. So when it's interesting because it shows up like I just want to do things that are good for other people, and so like when my husband started drinking again when my kids I think my daughter was five and two, my kids were five and two. He lost his battle with alcoholism however you want to define it and he started drinking again and my control issues started escalating. And I don't consider myself a controlling person, but in that time of life I became excessively controlling and it went so far as like, because I'm a seven on the Enneagram, I'm going to control everything through fun. So I would carefully plan out family excursions where we were busy all day, hiking or traveling or doing exciting things, because I thought like if we just kept doing fun, if he just kept remembering how amazing our life was, maybe he would stop drinking. And that almost makes me want to cry, even remembering how painful that was, because I didn't know. I thought I was just being a good wife, I thought I was being a good mom where I was like, okay, if we can have enough fun adventures and we can do enough amazing things, then nobody will realize how awful and painful and destructive this family unit is and I will actually have to leave and destroy my dreams of having a whole and cohesive family.
Speaker 1:
There are so many different ways this will manifest for you and I will say your Enneagram type will help you understand where your behaviors come from. So, like for me as a seven, I know if I'm like plotting an escape or coming up with new ideas every three seconds or looking for the next adventure, I have to slow down and go. Okay, what am I avoiding? What is the pain in my life that I don't want to sit with right now? And for other types it'll be something different. Like a type one, they're either procrastination or over-perfectionism is going to just flare. So they'll probably be on the opposite of the house, where the house has to be more perfect than it was before and like we're talking like minuscule details of every nook and cranny in the house need to be clean, but it will never be clean enough. What did somebody call it? Procrasti-cleaning? I loved that term. I thought that was amazing.
Speaker 1:
A type two you're just gonna dive into taking care of other people at the expense of your own needs and concerns, really in a very powerful way. So like not acknowledging your own needs at all and never asking for anything in return. A type three is going to become super achievement oriented, where their focus is going to be like if I can achieve enough, this person will finally love me and then I can let go of the need to try to control everything. Type four is probably going to become even more intellectualized and melancholy, really sinking into the intricacies of their own emotions and exploring them at a depth that's not helpful or useful for the situation. Type five is going to go really, really deep into their knowledge and education and start learning but never applying the knowledge that they're learning and they're going to become even more selfish with their time, afraid that people are going to just take more and more time. I'm afraid that people are going to just take more and more time. And then the type six is going to get into that more of a paranoid state of high anxiety, looking for ways to control everything and to make everything feel safe again.
Speaker 1:
Type seven's all about adventures, and but not in a healthy way, ty types. Type eight are going to shut down that vulnerability and become more aggressive, trying to aggressively control the situation or the behavior of the person or active addict that is causing everybody else pain. And then a type nine is just going to shut down and they're going to go into that more aloof, dormant state of internalizing everything and repressing all of their anger and also going into more of a people-pleasing mode, but they're not going to be present. Like their face looks very dissociated.
Speaker 1:
And I see this with my daughter when she's in her codependent state and it's hard because I remember the look on her face when she was little, when she would get like that. In fact, she shared a memory with me recently about her dad that I had completely forgotten and he was in one of his drunken episodes and it was not that long before we left, um, drunken episodes, and it was not that long before I we left and um, she shared that he was sitting on the stairs and he said you all hate me, anyways, I should just leave and and move away so that you can never find me again. And uh broke my heart when she shared that to me because I remember her face. It went completely dissociated and like she was just going someplace deep within because of the fear. And I see that pattern repeat in her now when she doesn't have her voice, when she doesn't know how to express her needs and values. And I see myself sometimes still repeating the same pattern with myself when I'm trying to get something done. That's uncomfortable and I feel like I can't control it or I can't control the outcome, I'll see myself avoiding it or being distracted and falling into old codependent behaviors that just haven't really been rewired yet. You know, they're just outdated. Programming is how I'll explain it.
Speaker 1:
So a lot of this codependent behavior impacts the family dynamics and when I went to Al-Anon and I started going regularly when my kids were older, when my ex-husband's drinking relapsed, right I I went, started going to Al-Anon and I kept hearing over and over again, it was the sober parent that they were. The adult children of alcoholics were more angry at because they didn't feel protected by the person who had, um, a clear mind, which is so funny because I remember being in that state, I had anything but a clear mind. All I had was I need safety and I need security for my family, and this is creating lack of safety and I'll do it how I need to get it, however I can. Which is actually such a chaotic and disorganized way of thinking Because it took me out of being a creator and of choosing the way I wanted my life to be and instead I was trapped in this cycle of reactivity and reaction that was only perpetuating the cycle of codependency and then teaching it to my kids, and you know, I see them both with a lot of codependent um behaviors now not nearly as bad as what I grew up with um or how I emerged from childhood with, but I can still see like the remnants of it, um.
Speaker 1:
So there's a couple of different types of roles that children will take on when they're growing up in an addicted household, and that is usually like the caregiver, so the one that's doing the caregiving. So either you know, caregiving for the parent that was abused, or caregiving for the addict, when the addict is either like in addiction or like the next morning when they're having a hangover. The peacekeeper, so the one that's just trying to keep everybody from exploding and to try to keep things calm. Or the scapegoat, and this is the one who took the blame, like, oh, if the kids weren't so loud, I wouldn't have had to come home and drink tonight. That was my role a lot, especially in the marriage. It was like, oh, if you only loved me more, I wouldn't have to drink and it didn't matter what I did. There was never enough love for him to feel fully loved.
Speaker 1:
The emotional consequences for children are this just underbelly of anxiety, guilt, shame, confusion. It's just a state of constant confusion because the deflection and the gaslighting and the behavior of a active alcoholic or active addict mirrors and mimics narcissism and a lot of the behaviors of a narcissistic person. It doesn't mean that they're a narcissist, I'm not saying that at all. What I'm saying is that the behaviors are the same. The lying, the betraying, the dishonesty, the irrational behaviors and mood swings All of it will create coping mechanisms for the people who live with them that evolve into codependent behaviors.
Speaker 1:
When we're adults with codependency as this major dysfunctional pattern in our lives, it really shows up like enabling rescuing, seeking validation from others. I remember last year I was in a coaching retreat with my coach who trained me and I was sitting there. I knew the answers to what he was asking, but I was seeking validation. I would ask him and he kind of got firm with me and he was like I'm pretty sure you know the answer and I got mad and I don't think I talked to him for like a month. And then recently we were on a call and he said, oh, I remember saying that to you. You got mad and I was like I was mad. I was mad for a long time and then I realized I needed to stop seeking validation from a masculine authority and even saying it now. I didn't realize that that was still part of my codependent upbringing, and so I was so grateful that he followed his intuition and told me what I needed to hear instead of what I wanted to hear.
Speaker 1:
It really helped me transform and to grow, and sometimes, especially in coaching, when you're sitting in the tension with someone and you see their dysfunctional pattern up and you have to hold them to the person that they're becoming, it can be a little tense and intimidating, and so I really respect that. He was able to do that for me. And even today, when I was on a call with my coach and she held me to that tension structure, to seeing my dysfunctional pattern starting to get frustrated and angry, but trusting herself and I do this with my clients too when I'm seeing their dysfunctional pattern come up and there's that moment of like. Oh, my clients too, when I'm seeing their dysfunctional pattern come up and there's that moment of like oh, should I, shouldn't I? I'm keeping them in the structure, and it takes someone who's very confident in their coaching abilities to do that, and I appreciate having coaches that I work with. I appreciate being a coach who can do that Um, and I appreciate the the gift in it. And so you know whenever, if you're working with a coach and you feel that tension or that um, that like they're really challenging you in a way, that's not abusive Cause.
Speaker 1:
I've seen abusive coaches. I'm not talking about an abusive way, but you can feel the internal tension that's right when you're about to make your breakthrough. And I just wanted to throw that in there because I think codependents can often feel very victimized in that role. I know I did for most of my life and so in the past I would have been very angry and not learned from that experience, like with my coach. I would have thought that they were being abusive and never probably called them back. So now I know where that comes from, because I've done a lot more research, I've grown a ton and I can see that. So I just wanted to offer that to you. As long as it's not abusive Cause I we can talk about abusive coaches later because I've seen plenty of them.
Speaker 1:
Um, but when we're looking at breaking the cycle of codependency, we have to recognize the signs of codependency in ourselves and in others and come up with really great strategies for healing and setting boundaries in relationships, because if you're codependent, boundary setting is not comfortable. It feels like death, like it really is an uncomfortable experience and it's also probably one of the most important tools that you have to learn how to use. As an adult survivor of abuse, and I realize now that I didn't have really good boundaries or didn't teach my children really good boundaries or didn't teach my children really good boundaries, and now, as an adult, trying to implement these boundaries with them is hard for me and it makes me cry inside because I'm like, oh, this makes me feel like a terrible mother and I have to remember Dr Brene Brown when she said love cannot grow without the container of healthy boundaries, said love cannot grow without the container of healthy boundaries, and that includes self boundaries and boundaries with work and kids and money and all of the things that we need boundaries with so that we can have healthy relationships in all areas of our life, because everything is a relationship. It's a relationship with our home, with our kids, with our animals, with our colleagues, with the world, with our intuition, with ourselves. It's all relational and so how we do one thing is how we do many things and one relational dysfunctional pattern might be playing out in other areas of your life and impacting it in a way that you're not correlating, because you're not seeing the patterns, because they seem like really different things. So, self-awareness support groups, setting your intentions, redefining definitions of love, redefining definitions of safety, redefining the patterns and then using powerful tools like superconscious recode, defining the patterns and then using powerful tools like superconscious recode, nlp techniques, habit formation, are going to help anchor you into the new identity and pretty soon codependency behaviors and the dysfunctional patterns of it are just going to feel really foreign and I know now when I'm in doing codependency behaviors I'm so uncomfortable. We did an exercise at one of the coaching retreats I went to where we were practicing the energy of codependency and I remember actually wanting to vomit because it felt so foreign to me now and it was so nice to be in that place of functional energy and secure energy just felt like home. Now it's like codependency and that the energy of codependency is no longer my emotional home, and so one of the things I do with my coaching clients is we set a new emotional home around functional energy, secure love and redefining those attachment styles and it's very powerful and it lasts a lifetime, like once we get it in and your brain understands the blueprint for secure love. It doesn't just impact your romantic relationships, it impacts every single area of your life, which I know is a bold statement, but it's also true.
Speaker 1:
I hope you enjoyed today's episode of the Mindful Love podcast and, if you did, please drop a comment below or share this episode with someone you care about. And also, you can subscribe to my weekly newsletter. I'm going to put the link in the show notes. I'm also going to start releasing weekly or monthly meditations that start helping you to heal in the quantum field and also to reset your nervous system. I've just got a whole collection of really great meditations that I'm recording and releasing. If you subscribe to my newsletter, you'll be the first to know about when those come out and also how to access them. I hope that you have an amazing day and many, many blessings to you on your healing journey, wherever you are.